i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
