OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
