do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
