She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
