Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
