I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
