Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
