she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
