Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
