Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
