wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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