we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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