What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
