omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
