Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
