When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
