I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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