I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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