I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
