I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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