I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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