So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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