Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
