Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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