For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
