when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
