we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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