i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
