Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
