He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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