Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
