I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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