If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
