my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
