Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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