good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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