Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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