Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
