I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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