he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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