Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
