What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
