fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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