no, he came in my armpit
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize