mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
