Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
