My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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