Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
