when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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