Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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