He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My pussy is not your playground.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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