so let's talk penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
