dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
