Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
