I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
